Oh My God! You Mean That's the Same Guy?

I thought I was hallucinating when I woke up on my couch to the fuzz of the Phillies game still blaring through my radio. While I had dozed in and out, the Phillies had stayed in it. The Reds had too. For 18 innings. At this point in the game, Chooch was playing third, Polly was playing second, and Wilson Valdez was taking the mound against the meat and potatoes of the Reds' lineup: Joey Votto, Scott Rolen, Jay Bruce.

Is this all a dream? Is Roy Oswalt in left field right now?

The announcers told me it was all real. Well, everything except for that part about Roy O. After the Phillies had used up their entire bullpen, utility infielder Wilson Valdez was called in to pitch. He went on to throw a hitless 19th against batters 3, 4, 5, and 6 for the Reds. His fastball even clocked in around 90 mph. The Phillies went on to score on a walk-off sac-fly by Raul Ibanez. Valdez earned the win, a 0.00 ERA, and a pie to the face after having pitched last in a 2002 pickup game in the Dominican Republic. Oh, and Valdez went 3-for-6 at the plate. And hit Scott Rolen with a pitch.

God, I love baseball.

Fun fact: The last time a position player started a game in the field and came away with a win was October 1, 1921. That player was none other than the Sultan of Swat, the King of Crash, the Collossus of Clout, Babe Ruth. THE GREAT BAMBINO! So I guess that means that by the transitive powers of baseball, Wilson Valdez equals George Herman Ruth.

For those who slept through the excitement, a recap and video are available here.

Back in Baby's Arms

Remember Chase "World Fucking Champions" Utley? Tonight, Chase makes his season debut after a long recovery from patellar tendinitis in his right knee. Maybe the Red Death is finally over. Bring on the hitting renaissance!

Chase will be batting second in the lineup against the Reds who, like half of the National League, have been outslugging the Phillies since April. Had Chase been out much longer, he could have been elected to play in the MLB All-Star Game without ever playing in a regular season game. This actually wouldn't have been that strange considering that a dead man was elected mayor of a Tennessee town last year and Frank Rizzo almost ran as a write-in candidate for mayor of Philadelphia last week.

Like most fans, I can't wait to hear the crack of Chase Utley's bat after Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" blasts through CBP's speakers again. However, this little diddy might be just as appropriate entrance music for Chutley's return:

He's back where he belongs, back in baby's arms.

And Now for Something Completely Different

The Phillies got their bats back! No, it's just He-Man Charlie Manuel riding a Phanatic like a bat out of hell. The rapture's a-comin', Saturday, May 21 according to a creepy gang of buses that surrounded me on the Jersey Turnpike and the Phillies' four game losing streak, and it'd be nice to go out with my boys on top playing good ball. Isn't that what we all hope for at the end of the world?

Last night marked another "meh" performance for the Phils. While Oswalt pitched surprisingly well after struggling with his velocity down in Clearwater, the offense once again failed to deliver. A terrified Danys Baez once again provided the opposite of relief allowing three straight singles to load the bases for the Cardinals in the bottom of the ninth. I once again was perplexed by the recent demotion of the Great Vance Worley after Vance Worley pitched so darn great.

While you might be saying to yourself that the Phillies lost a few games and it's not the end of the world, just sit in your local park for an hour and some kook will remind you that this Saturday's Judgement Day. What else could also explain the fact the Phillies are dropping like flys? Age? Young buck Michael Stutes might be the most recent addition to our clown car of a disabled list.

Whether the end of the world is indeed this Saturday or another future date predicted by bad math, the Phillies need to start playing like they mean it with whoever they have left. Seriously. I don't want to spend my last days drinking Jersey Turnpikes while cursing my favorite team of ballplayers.

To delay being reduced to such, you can check out more awesome Phillies-inspired comics like He-Man Charlie here!

Put Him In, Coach!

John Mayberry, Jr! What's not to love? That smile, that speed, that walk-off hit on opening day... He's everything a Phillies fan dreams of. And he's smart, too! In 2002, Mayberry was the highest-drafted player to elect to attend a four-year college instead of signing a contract—and that college was Stanford. Now, Mayberry is winning our hearts with a fantastic start to the 2011 season and a solid case for an everyday spot in the outfield.

At 6'6 and 27-years-young (hard to believe, I know—I would've guessed he was about 22), Mayberry has never had much of a chance to prove himself in the big leagues. Once a #19 pick overall, his minor league career was plagued by a high strikeout rate and inability to hit right-handed pitching. But he continued to make his case yesterday with a two-run homer off the right-handed Tim Hudson, plus two walks and a stolen base. In fact, Mayberry's performance was the only highlight of an otherwise lackluster game, a fitting end to a depressing weekend for the Phillies (full disclosure: I turned it off and watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer instead). Okay, maybe making Mayberry an everyday player is risky, but with the current state of the corner outfielders and pathetic production from the bottom of the line-up, the Phillies don't really have much to lose. At best, he continues his promising beginning to the 2011 season—clutch hits, speed, charisma, and solid play in the outfield—and letting him start pays off big time. At worst, young Mayberry adds a little freshness and life to an aching, aging line-up. He looks hungry for a chance to play, like he's serenading Charlie Manuel with "put me in, coach!" from his spot on the bench.

While Charlie is known for his loyalty to his players (which explains sticking with Raul Ibanez throughout his epic slump this season), has Ben Francisco actually earned any of that loyalty? Francisco only won his job in right field this season because Dom Brown wasn't around and healthy enough to challenge him for it. Why shouldn't John Mayberry Jr. get that same chance? With Shane Victorino hurt, maybe he finally will. This could be his at-bat music:


Put him in, Coach!

If You Own the Atlanta Braves...

Tonight the Atlanta Braves come to Philadelphia for a three-game series, which has really got me wondering: how on earth is it still acceptable to have Native American nickname teams in 2011?

Let's do a quick poll. Which is worse (and I'm limiting this to baseball here): the Cleveland Indians and their racist caricature logo (see right) or the Atlanta Braves and their tomahawk chop? Honestly, I'm inclined to vote Indians on the basis of that logo, but it's hard when my hatred of the Braves runs so deep. It was bred into me as a child, when I used to sit in front of the television holding up homemade anti-Braves signs. David Justice was a particular target of my venom. And they had the nerve to call themselves "America's Team" even though their lame, gimmicky cheer is offensive to the people who, like, actually discovered this country in the first place? Not to mention, supposedly stolen from the Floria Seminoles, which just seems way too fitting.

There are plenty of arguments against maintaining Native American nickname teams in this day and age, but I think Philadelphia's own Atom and His Package may have said it best.

Atom and His Package - "If You Own the Washington Redskins, You're A Cock" 

I'm proud to report that I successfully converted my North Carolina-raised, childhood-Braves-fan boyfriend into a Phillies fan (his favorite players are Roy O and John Mayberry Jr.), because you know what they say: if you know a Braves fan who thinks he is your friend, now is the time for your friendship to end.

In other news, I have been too sick to blog (or drink coffee!) for days and a lot has happened. Here's a quick round-up: the Phillies got out the brooms against Jayson Werth and the Nationals, Raul "When It Rains, It Pours" Ibanez broke out of his historic slump (I guess dude finally got around to making some new horcruxes), Cole "2008" Hamels was—in the words of his #1 fan, my mom—great, tremendous, awesome, wonderful, thrilling, and fantastic, moving J-Roll back to the leadoff spot is paying off big-time, Vance Worley continues to impress with both his pitching and his sweet glasses, Roy Halladay has been hugging his Chooch pillow and crying himself to sleep as it looks likely that Carlos Ruiz will head to the DL, and the Philadelphia Phillies are the best team in baseball. (I mean, technically, they're tied with the Cleveland Indians, but that's racist.)

Raul Ibanez, End of an Era

Raul Ibanez finally ended his epic 0-35 slump two nights ago. He went on to hit this solo home run to right field in last night's game against the Nats. Had the slump continued, Raul could have beat out Bill Bergen's record for the longest slump among non-pitching players in baseball history. Bergen went 0-46 with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1909. So yeah, it could have been worse, but not much worse. Raul ended up going 3-for-4 as the Phillies chugged Natty Lites and crushed the cans on their foreheads. Final score: 7-4.

Since the beginning of the Great Slump, a lot has happened. I, like many of you everyday people, filed my taxes and shortly after spent all of my returns on necessary beers and wings that helped with Flyers watchability. The southern United States experienced one of the worst tornadoes in US history, rendering many homeless and the Phillies Oswaltless. Phanatics witnessed the fall of Joe Blanton and the rise of Vance Worley. Oh yeah, and our country also found and killed Osama bin Laden! USA! USA! USA!

I'm just happy that the search for Raul's swing is finally over. Tonight let us rejoice in Rauuuul howls at the moon and hope that the man stays hungry and true to his at-bat music about British werewolves:


Raaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!