All the Young Dudes

Young bucks Vance Worley, 23, Michael Stutes, 24, and Antonio Bastardo, 25, gave up one run and five hits total last night to the Boston Red Sox, currently the best hitting team in baseball. After Worley went seven innings against the Beantown sluggers, Stutes went 1-2-3 in the eighth. Bastardo then saved the day for the third time this year as he got the scariest dudes in the lineup to pop-up to end the game, Soda Popinski, Big Papi, and Jarrod Saltalamacchia who has the longest last name in baseball history and is nicknamed "Salty". Wicked pissah!


Who would have thought that these young guns formerly of the AAA Iron Pigs would have brought the Phillies to a halfway point record of 51-30 with a 2-1 win against the Sox? Me, maybe, and the bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer who has now deemed himself "Head Hog." I've been rooting for Worley and Stutes from the beginning. I've also had my eye on Antonio Bastardo since my boyfriend's not-always-politically-correct and very Italian step-dad turned to me on Easter Sunday and said, "Hey! That Bastard guy's pretty all right." Oh, and don't worry. I'm going to respect my elders here too. Big ups to old man Raul Ibanez who went 3-3 with 2 RBIs last night. Wicked pissah!

While I love good baseball, I hate to admit that I'm just not that into Vance Worley's new nickname, the Vanimal, which is—I kid you not—stitched into his glove. My buddy and I have been calling him "King of the Bog" since I first posted about Worley, which is about as good as the nickname "Salty." Can't we come up with something better for Vance Worley the Great?

And while my New England roots hate to admit it, saying "Wicked pissah!" is damn fun. What would be the Philly equivalent? I've heard Nadine scream "Zenga!" before, but I'm not sure that's actually a thing.

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Mike Stutes' Twitter

Since his call-up to the show on April 25th, relief pitcher Michael Stutes has been causing quite a stir in Philadelphia. The former Oregon Beaver and newly-added member of the Sunnydale Razorbacks is 1-0, recording 22 strikeouts in 21.2 innings pitched and picking up his first major league win against Felix Hernandez. He’s also half of a dynamic duo—along with Glourious Antonio Bastardo—of young relievers bringing life to an injury-plagued and aging Phillies bullpen, which started the season with Jose “I’m 39” Contreras as its closer.

Standing 6’1 and sporting Lincecum-esque shaggy brown hair, this obvious native of the Pacific Northwest has been charming the citizens of Philadelphia and seems to have won a regular spot in the bullpen, at least for now. He won me over when, asked if he adopted a particular strategy against the Cubs’ lineup, Stutes responded, “no, I just trust Chooch.” Wise words, young Stutes. Wise words indeed.

As of this weekend, Michael Stutes will be sharing his wise words with all of us, through his brand new Twitter account (@mikestutes). Luckily for you, I already read all 78 of the tweets (mostly direct responses to questions from fans) that Stutes posted during his flight from Philly to St. Louis on Sunday night, so you don’t have to. Here is some of what I’ve learned so far:

6/19, 7:29 pm: He is considering cutting his hair.
6/19, 9:06 pm: Maybe he'll cut it during the World Series parade and donate it to Locks of Love. Way to jinx us, Stutes.

6/19, 9:22 pm: He doesn’t know what “hipster music” is.

6/19, 9:27 pm: RYAN MADSON HAS A MOUSTACHE TATTOO ON HIS FINGER. (AND ACCORING TO STUTES, IT’S REAL.)

6/19, 9:40 pm: Stutes takes his glove off after every pitch as part of his routine, and has somehow never noticed he did it until now.

6/19, 10:02 pm: His favorite band is Sublime.

6/19, 10:37 pm: His dog is named Rugby. (Cute!)

Tonight Roy Halladay and the Phillies face the Pujols-less Cardinals at Busch Stadium. I wonder if Stutes will be updating his Twitter from the bullpen?