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On my drive into work this morning, I was startled by a loud and crystal clear Angelo Cataldi screaming at me through the FM dial. What followed was a cheesy sound collage, mixing clips of Vance Worley striking out Braves with Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger." Rookie Vance Worley strikes out Chipper Jones looking! and Bump... Bump! Bump! Bump! It's the eye of the tiger. While Angelo's raspy voice and Rocky-inspired montages of the Phillies beating the Braves normally make sense with my first cup of coffee, something was missing. Where was the glorious crackling of that AM static?

610 WIP made the move over to the 94.1 FM the day after Labor Day, replacing classic rock station 94 WYSP with sports talk radio 94 WIP, trading the annoying Danny Bonaduce for the annoying Angelo Cataldi. While it's undeniably awesome that WIP's expanding its reach to a bigger and younger audience, I'm glad that it still has a place on the AM dial for old souls like myself. "This just isn't right," my boyfriend turned to me and said as we listened to people call into the soundless void, applauding Vance Worley's greatness. (He is pretty great, now 11-1 after leading the Phillies to their 14th consecutive win with him on the mound last night.)

After switching back and forth between 94 WIP and 610 WIP about ten times, I eventually settled on the imperfect static that was there with me the night the Phillies won the World Series and the morning Cliff Lee was signed. Call me old fashioned, but there's just something comforting about that static.

The War of the Broses

The magic number is 22. With an 86-46 record and just 31 games to go, that eight ball that J-Roll shook up that read, "Yeah, we'll win 100 games," back in March might have been right. Another number that's worth calculating at this point is the probability that the Phillies will make it past win 101, the most wins the Phillies have ever had in a season. They reached 101 in 1976 and again in 1977. While the fat lady isn't singing yet, if she was, she'd probably be singing this right now. To the most lovable bros in all of baseball:

Speaking of lovable bros, Vance Worley is probably rolling out of bed right now to take the mound at 12:35 PM. As I recently learned over at the700level, he stays awake until the sun comes up the night before he pitches and sleeps until game time. He even snored through that rare earthquake that shook the entire east coast last week because he had to beat the Mets later. Another thing I learned about the Vanimal recently is that he's been cooped up in some hotel since he joined the big leagues. Who knows? Maybe his strange sleep patterns are actually due to watching Prince's "Purple Rain" so many times on the hotel TV that his life mantra has become that message that appears after the credits roll: May u live 2 see the dawn. Just a theory.

Whether or not he worships in the house of Prince, Vance still needs a place to kick it. I think I've found him the perfect spot- that is, as long as he can pass the drinking tryouts:


On second thought, this pad could be the perfect home for a lot of Phillies bros. The term "fratting hard" brings Michael Stutes to mind as he's been recently donning that pink boa and backpack full of goodies for the bullpen, while "hot chicks" brings Kyle Kendrick's inexplicably hot wife to mind. Plus, bromances, defined on Wikipedia as "a form of homosocial intimacy," have basically fueled this team to its current position in the standings. Just think about it: Rollins and Howard, Utley and Howard, Utley and Pence, Lee and Pence, the Let's Go Eat T-Shirt and Pence, and the greatest bromance of all time, Halladay and Chooch. The options are endless!

Let's just hope that 9-1 Vance Worley continues to "kill it at life" today, bringing us one step closer to a division title and upping the odds for Worley Goggles and Mohawk Night at the Ballpark becoming a thing.

Yeah, bro.

Breaking News: Mayberry Returns

The Phillies have recalled OF John Mayberry Jr. from AAA Lehigh Valley to fill the roster spot vacated by Vance Worley. The "Vanimal" (who's rocking a 0.72 ERA and sick bro-hawk since returning to the big leagues on June 16th) was optioned last night. Don't worry, kids, it's just to make sure he stays on his regular pitching schedule.

Tonight, Cole Hamels takes the mound against Chris Volstad and the Florida Marlins. Cole (9-4, 2.41 ERA) has been looking for his tenth win of the season since beating the Marlins on June 14th. Final Vote candidate Shane Victorino will not play tonight. Instead, he'll return to Philly to have a sore thumb looked at. Uh-oh.

All the Young Dudes

Young bucks Vance Worley, 23, Michael Stutes, 24, and Antonio Bastardo, 25, gave up one run and five hits total last night to the Boston Red Sox, currently the best hitting team in baseball. After Worley went seven innings against the Beantown sluggers, Stutes went 1-2-3 in the eighth. Bastardo then saved the day for the third time this year as he got the scariest dudes in the lineup to pop-up to end the game, Soda Popinski, Big Papi, and Jarrod Saltalamacchia who has the longest last name in baseball history and is nicknamed "Salty". Wicked pissah!


Who would have thought that these young guns formerly of the AAA Iron Pigs would have brought the Phillies to a halfway point record of 51-30 with a 2-1 win against the Sox? Me, maybe, and the bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer who has now deemed himself "Head Hog." I've been rooting for Worley and Stutes from the beginning. I've also had my eye on Antonio Bastardo since my boyfriend's not-always-politically-correct and very Italian step-dad turned to me on Easter Sunday and said, "Hey! That Bastard guy's pretty all right." Oh, and don't worry. I'm going to respect my elders here too. Big ups to old man Raul Ibanez who went 3-3 with 2 RBIs last night. Wicked pissah!

While I love good baseball, I hate to admit that I'm just not that into Vance Worley's new nickname, the Vanimal, which is—I kid you not—stitched into his glove. My buddy and I have been calling him "King of the Bog" since I first posted about Worley, which is about as good as the nickname "Salty." Can't we come up with something better for Vance Worley the Great?

And while my New England roots hate to admit it, saying "Wicked pissah!" is damn fun. What would be the Philly equivalent? I've heard Nadine scream "Zenga!" before, but I'm not sure that's actually a thing.

I Got 99 Problems But a Pitch Ain't One

It looks like I have the Kyle Kendrick ticket package again this season, what would have been the Joe Blanton ticket package if Big Joe wasn't sent to the DL. :(= Now I know what you're thinking, and I once thought it too. If you were me, you'd want to see anyone other than the guy that Joe Blanton beat out to become fifth wheel to the Four Aces. You know, one of those four dudes that appear on those sweet "99 PROBLEMS BUT A PITCH AIN'T ONE" tees sold outside of the stadium. Well, guess what? I've seen some of those guys. I was freezing my butt off when Cole Hamels gave up a quick six runs in his season debut, a 7-1 loss to the Mets. Oh, and that terrible 9-0 loss to the Brewers with Halladay on the mound? That "two-hit atrocity"? I was there. In fact, up until I was recently cursed with tickets to Kendrick games, I was convinced that I was a curse to the Phillies altogether, the jinx whose mere presence could turn an ace into a joker, making pitching problem #100 for Phillies fans everywhere.

So being 0-2 with the Phillies at home with now 9-3 Halladay and 9-2 Hamels, I wasn't thrilled when I found out that my first game at the ballpark with fellow lady of Scoring Position, Nadine, would be one hot date with Kyle Kendrick. Yes, we're talking the same Kyle Kendrick that gave up five quick runs to Old Man Giambi and the Brewers shortly after his World Series ring was found in a Mentos container at the bottom of a swamp, the same Kyle Kendrick that currently has a Facebook page with 260 fans that only seem to comment on how much he blows or spam his wall with quick ways to make $4000/month working from home. Sad, yes. What was sadder was that the night before last Thursday's game with Nadine, I wishfully dreamt that Kyle Kendrick was sent to the DL and Vance Worley would be taking his place on the mound. This was no prophetic dream. (Side note: dream psychology tells me that I dreamt this because I needed to work through a problem. Even Freud proposed that dreams exist to fulfill our wishes to see Vance Worley over Kyle Kendrick. Too bad thinking in reality doesn't work this way. Am I right?)

Kyle Kendrick was to take the mound at 7:05. What were two gals to do? Drink some beer and bank on a stroke of genius, I guess. After throwing back a couple at some 420-themed beer event at the South Philly Tap Room before the game, it finally came to us! We decided that we could either go about our fate like every other Philadelphian and complain about not getting Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee, or we could, for just one day, be Kyle Kendrick's biggest and loudest fans. Maybe the trippy black light posters covering the bar's walls were giving us strange vibes or maybe we had been slipped something, but what was to follow was truly magical.

Kyle Kendrick pitched an awesome three innings, leaving a big fat 0 on the board for the Cubs. Nadine and I even convinced the middle-aged ladies from the Northeast sitting next to us to jump on the Kyle Kendrick bandwagon. Clad in Phillies pink, they became even more obnoxious than us every time Kendrick through a strike. Kyle Kendrick had it together, and I thought my losing streak with the Phillies was finally coming to a close. Cue a montage of Kendrick putting people away to his warm up music, "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction:

Is this a reference to catching people on base or the discovery of Kyle's stolen World Series ring?

Then tornado-like winds ripped through the stadium, and after a one hour rain delay, Kyle Kendrick was inexplicably taken out. The Phillies were up 3-0, and Baez was on the mound. Even Nadine and I could not get behind that. What was to follow can only be explained by the workings of a curse. The game dragged on, and the Phillies remained hitless since J-Roll's three-run homer in the second inning. Ryan Madson blew his first save in 15 opportunities. In my mind, this all happened while Nadine and I were dancing and singing to "Don't Stop Believing" with our new gal pals from the Northeast. Charlie even argued his way into getting one of the home runs Madson gave up reversed to turn everything back into a tie game, yet the Phillies still managed to blow it. Herndon was not pinch-hit for with the bases loaded in the 10th. He struck out scared and swinging. Polanco made a rare throwing error at third in the 11th to allow the winning run for the Cubs to score. Was this just bad baseball or the result of a higher power?

I honestly believe that had Kyle Kendrick stayed in that night, the curse would have been lifted. Instead, I had to wait until Kendrick's next start against the Marlins. Watching from the 400 level with six friends, I saw Kendrick throw an amazing seven-inning one-run performance. Someone even started shouting, "You just got 'dricked!" every time Kyle put up a K. The Phillies cruised past the Marlins 8-1. Since that game, the Phillies have won in extra innings on a Chooch walk off, Cliff Lee pitched a two-hit shutout while racking up two hits and an RBI, and Vance Worley has magically returned from the AAA Iron Pigs. Sure, we lost last night, but you can't win them all.

Vance Worley's starting in tonight's game against the Mariners which might make me one of the few that ever had the Kyle Kendrick ticket package at all. Who knows what'll happen to Kendrick now? Maybe he'll split starts with Worley or maybe he'll return to the 'pen as the Phillies' much needed longman. Say what you will about the man, but first let me say this. It's probably the first time these words have ever been put together in the English language.

I am thankful for Kyle Kendrick.

And Now for Something Completely Different

The Phillies got their bats back! No, it's just He-Man Charlie Manuel riding a Phanatic like a bat out of hell. The rapture's a-comin', Saturday, May 21 according to a creepy gang of buses that surrounded me on the Jersey Turnpike and the Phillies' four game losing streak, and it'd be nice to go out with my boys on top playing good ball. Isn't that what we all hope for at the end of the world?

Last night marked another "meh" performance for the Phils. While Oswalt pitched surprisingly well after struggling with his velocity down in Clearwater, the offense once again failed to deliver. A terrified Danys Baez once again provided the opposite of relief allowing three straight singles to load the bases for the Cardinals in the bottom of the ninth. I once again was perplexed by the recent demotion of the Great Vance Worley after Vance Worley pitched so darn great.

While you might be saying to yourself that the Phillies lost a few games and it's not the end of the world, just sit in your local park for an hour and some kook will remind you that this Saturday's Judgement Day. What else could also explain the fact the Phillies are dropping like flys? Age? Young buck Michael Stutes might be the most recent addition to our clown car of a disabled list.

Whether the end of the world is indeed this Saturday or another future date predicted by bad math, the Phillies need to start playing like they mean it with whoever they have left. Seriously. I don't want to spend my last days drinking Jersey Turnpikes while cursing my favorite team of ballplayers.

To delay being reduced to such, you can check out more awesome Phillies-inspired comics like He-Man Charlie here!

Raul Ibanez, End of an Era

Raul Ibanez finally ended his epic 0-35 slump two nights ago. He went on to hit this solo home run to right field in last night's game against the Nats. Had the slump continued, Raul could have beat out Bill Bergen's record for the longest slump among non-pitching players in baseball history. Bergen went 0-46 with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1909. So yeah, it could have been worse, but not much worse. Raul ended up going 3-for-4 as the Phillies chugged Natty Lites and crushed the cans on their foreheads. Final score: 7-4.

Since the beginning of the Great Slump, a lot has happened. I, like many of you everyday people, filed my taxes and shortly after spent all of my returns on necessary beers and wings that helped with Flyers watchability. The southern United States experienced one of the worst tornadoes in US history, rendering many homeless and the Phillies Oswaltless. Phanatics witnessed the fall of Joe Blanton and the rise of Vance Worley. Oh yeah, and our country also found and killed Osama bin Laden! USA! USA! USA!

I'm just happy that the search for Raul's swing is finally over. Tonight let us rejoice in Rauuuul howls at the moon and hope that the man stays hungry and true to his at-bat music about British werewolves:


Raaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vance Worley, Man of Mystery

They have to be running out of room in the Phillies infirmary! Joe Blanton, the fifth ace, is the most recent addition to the DL as a result of a medial impingement of the right elbow. Yeah, that's Big Joe's thowing elbow. Maybe this explains why he's been off to such a rough start with the Phils. :(=

As a result, the Phillies will be calling up 23-year-old right-hander Vance Worley to the big leagues to face Mike Pelfry and the Muts tonight. Just who is this Vance Worley? I do hear that he's been playing some great Triple-A ball for the Iron Pigs. Whoever he is, he might have a chance to become the most famous Vance ever as the list of famous Vances is short. This is probably because Vance is from the Old English meaning "dweller of a bog."

More old school Reading Phils cards here!