Ryan Howard: I Love You/I Hate You

Ryan Howard, I'll never get over you. It was a chug a tear salted Kenzinger and storm out of the bar type of breakup. Real ugly. The following months were spent off the grid, terrified of running into anything that might remind me of that season-ending moment. And just when I thought I was done caring after a year and a half of cursing your at bats, you did something wonderful that made me forget about all the bad times and think, "Now that is the Ryan Howard I fell in love with!"

Of course I'm talking about that extra innings hit last Sunday against the D-Bags that led the Phillies to a 4-2 win and an astounding 18-21 record. Look out, NL East! And I wasn't the only one swooning. Check out the post-game recap:

It didn’t matter that Howard had been hitless in his previous 18 at-bats, striking out in half of those. No matter that he was facing a pitcher who hadn’t given up a run all season, either. With the game on the line, few players are better than the Phillies’ bashing first baseman.

That seventh inning tie-breaking hit that led to a sweep of the Muts two weeks ago wasn't too shabby either. Still, great Howard moments are often overlooked in the minds of Phils fans because they remain embedded in this context of polarizing plate behavior. For every clutch "get me to the plate, boys" moment, there's a third swing and a miss that feels like heartbreak. For every grand salami, a golden sombrero. It's what makes it all too easy for Phils fans to love or hate the Big Piece. It's also what gives lovers and haters alike the awful feeling of being stood up for a date whenever Howard doesn't come through.

Okay, okay. I just have a lot of feelings. But even though Howard's had his ups and downs, when he's good, he's good. This one's for you, big guy:

 

Oh, I was out without a doubt, oh, I was out...

Jimmy Mack, Are You Coming Back?

Holiday shopping's in premature full swing again this year, and every mom out there's setting up camp for an All-Star shortstop. It makes you wonder. Who will be getting a 32-year-old Jimmy Rollins come winter? The Giants? The Cards? The Brewers? Can you picture J-Roll going into "beast mode"? Me neither. What about the Phillies? Unless Uncle Ruben takes a second job wrapping gifts this holiday season, chances are that Jimmy's not going to get that five-year contract he has his heart set on. If only regifting Ryan Howard was a viable option! After all, National Regifting Day is just 23 short days away.

What will Ruben Amaro do? The man's full of surprises. I didn't expect Cliff Lee to return to Philadelphia within a year of leaving or for Hunter Pence to be chilling on a dirt road anywhere outside of Texas right now. I also didn't expect Madson to be traded for a slightly more expensive Irish step dancer that refers to himself as Cinco Ocho. Okay, okay. Maybe I'm just drinking the Haterade which, thankfully, is what Papelbon's alter ego "fuels his engines with", or maybe I just hate change. Heck! I don't know what I want. The only thing that's really certain is how it's hard to picture Jimmy Rollins playing short anywhere else, and almost impossible to imagine who would replace him.

Hitters Gonna Hit

The Phillies had a season-high 18 hits to score a season-high 14 runs against Chris Volstad and the Marlins last night. This is only the second time this season the Phillies have scored more than 10 runs in a game. The other time was an 11-0 win against the Mets on April 7th. What made last night's win so beautiful were all those old time Phillies coming through with the bats. J-Roll had four hits and three runs scored. Ryan Howard had four hits including a two run homer in the third. He finished with four RBIs and three runs scored. Seems like old times—am I right? Now is where I finally insert the song "Phillies Fever" by all the Phillies greats from the '70s in high hopes that it will help the Phillies bats stay alive (ah, ha, ha, ha):

Even Michael Martinez came through late in the game with a 3-RBI base-clearing triple. After the game Uncle Cholly said, "We jumped our team batting average some, didn't we? Did we get over .250?" After some basic research, I found that we sure as hell did: the Phillies batted .409 last night. Boom!

The Most Anticipated Weekend Ever

Forget the gnome -- gimme that dog!

In case you missed it the first time around, yesterday the Reading Phillies announced "The Return of The Ryan Howard Garden Gnome -- Version #2," a bizarre update on last year's legendary—and possibly racist—garden gnome giveaway. In what they're calling "The Most Anticipated Opening Weekend Ever" to kick off "A Season for the Ages" (really, Reading?), 3,500 lucky fans will receive a new version of the Ryan Howard gnome, complete with black uniform, matching bat, and creepy witch hat. And that's not all! One extremely lucky fan will win a one-of-a-kind, lifesize, 550-pound version of the gnome to take home, assuming they can somehow get it there, I guess?

Single-game tickets for The Most Anticipated Weekend Ever go on sale this Friday. Check out the complete announcement here.

Beverly Hills Cop vs. Midnight Cowboy

Everybody's talkin' about it. With Werth on the Nats next season, who's going to take over in right field? I've read it all. Ben Francisco with hints of Ross Gload? John Mayberry Jr.? That lovable newbie Domonic Brown? The boy did receive a standing ovation from the crowd at CBP prior to his first major league at bat and his later major league strikeouts. (Plus, people really loved him as Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley, a free wheeling Detroit cop that moves to Beverly Hills to investigate his best friend's murder.)

While all of these predictions are reasonable, every Tom, Dick, and Harry that supposedly knows anything about baseball has somehow overlooked the chances that Charlie will bring in his secret weapon. Yes, I'm talkin' about that jack of all trades Roy Oswalt. You know, when he's not busy being an ace (like on this dumb novelty t-shirt). Seriously, people. Rewatch his stint in left field from last season, and try not to think to yourself, "Great, but can he play right field?"

Little Roy ! How unexpected! How magical! I imagine his move from the mound to the outfield and back again would look a lot like this, cowboy Joe Buck's big move in the opening scene of the 1969 film Midnight Cowboy (Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" would definitely be playing):

Ah, to dream big, but let's get real. I can go out into right field and snag fly balls for the Phillies. The real issue is finding someone that's a smart hitter. People keep wondering what we're going to do next season without Jayson Werth's bat. I don't think his loss will be that big of a deal if Jimmy and Chase stay out of the hospital and Ryan Howard tells his boys to get him to the batting cages. Plus, while it's undeniable that Werth's a good power hitter, it should be noted that, like the Phillies last year, especially in the postseason, he had trouble coming through with ducks on the pond.

Right now we're a pitching team with a hitting problem. If we learn how to work the bats this year, the postseason's going to play out in our favor. Until then, let's just hope that we don't have to listen to another Joe Buck give us backhanded compliments when we do win.