I Got 99 Problems But a Pitch Ain't One

It looks like I have the Kyle Kendrick ticket package again this season, what would have been the Joe Blanton ticket package if Big Joe wasn't sent to the DL. :(= Now I know what you're thinking, and I once thought it too. If you were me, you'd want to see anyone other than the guy that Joe Blanton beat out to become fifth wheel to the Four Aces. You know, one of those four dudes that appear on those sweet "99 PROBLEMS BUT A PITCH AIN'T ONE" tees sold outside of the stadium. Well, guess what? I've seen some of those guys. I was freezing my butt off when Cole Hamels gave up a quick six runs in his season debut, a 7-1 loss to the Mets. Oh, and that terrible 9-0 loss to the Brewers with Halladay on the mound? That "two-hit atrocity"? I was there. In fact, up until I was recently cursed with tickets to Kendrick games, I was convinced that I was a curse to the Phillies altogether, the jinx whose mere presence could turn an ace into a joker, making pitching problem #100 for Phillies fans everywhere.

So being 0-2 with the Phillies at home with now 9-3 Halladay and 9-2 Hamels, I wasn't thrilled when I found out that my first game at the ballpark with fellow lady of Scoring Position, Nadine, would be one hot date with Kyle Kendrick. Yes, we're talking the same Kyle Kendrick that gave up five quick runs to Old Man Giambi and the Brewers shortly after his World Series ring was found in a Mentos container at the bottom of a swamp, the same Kyle Kendrick that currently has a Facebook page with 260 fans that only seem to comment on how much he blows or spam his wall with quick ways to make $4000/month working from home. Sad, yes. What was sadder was that the night before last Thursday's game with Nadine, I wishfully dreamt that Kyle Kendrick was sent to the DL and Vance Worley would be taking his place on the mound. This was no prophetic dream. (Side note: dream psychology tells me that I dreamt this because I needed to work through a problem. Even Freud proposed that dreams exist to fulfill our wishes to see Vance Worley over Kyle Kendrick. Too bad thinking in reality doesn't work this way. Am I right?)

Kyle Kendrick was to take the mound at 7:05. What were two gals to do? Drink some beer and bank on a stroke of genius, I guess. After throwing back a couple at some 420-themed beer event at the South Philly Tap Room before the game, it finally came to us! We decided that we could either go about our fate like every other Philadelphian and complain about not getting Roy Halladay or Cliff Lee, or we could, for just one day, be Kyle Kendrick's biggest and loudest fans. Maybe the trippy black light posters covering the bar's walls were giving us strange vibes or maybe we had been slipped something, but what was to follow was truly magical.

Kyle Kendrick pitched an awesome three innings, leaving a big fat 0 on the board for the Cubs. Nadine and I even convinced the middle-aged ladies from the Northeast sitting next to us to jump on the Kyle Kendrick bandwagon. Clad in Phillies pink, they became even more obnoxious than us every time Kendrick through a strike. Kyle Kendrick had it together, and I thought my losing streak with the Phillies was finally coming to a close. Cue a montage of Kendrick putting people away to his warm up music, "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction:

Is this a reference to catching people on base or the discovery of Kyle's stolen World Series ring?

Then tornado-like winds ripped through the stadium, and after a one hour rain delay, Kyle Kendrick was inexplicably taken out. The Phillies were up 3-0, and Baez was on the mound. Even Nadine and I could not get behind that. What was to follow can only be explained by the workings of a curse. The game dragged on, and the Phillies remained hitless since J-Roll's three-run homer in the second inning. Ryan Madson blew his first save in 15 opportunities. In my mind, this all happened while Nadine and I were dancing and singing to "Don't Stop Believing" with our new gal pals from the Northeast. Charlie even argued his way into getting one of the home runs Madson gave up reversed to turn everything back into a tie game, yet the Phillies still managed to blow it. Herndon was not pinch-hit for with the bases loaded in the 10th. He struck out scared and swinging. Polanco made a rare throwing error at third in the 11th to allow the winning run for the Cubs to score. Was this just bad baseball or the result of a higher power?

I honestly believe that had Kyle Kendrick stayed in that night, the curse would have been lifted. Instead, I had to wait until Kendrick's next start against the Marlins. Watching from the 400 level with six friends, I saw Kendrick throw an amazing seven-inning one-run performance. Someone even started shouting, "You just got 'dricked!" every time Kyle put up a K. The Phillies cruised past the Marlins 8-1. Since that game, the Phillies have won in extra innings on a Chooch walk off, Cliff Lee pitched a two-hit shutout while racking up two hits and an RBI, and Vance Worley has magically returned from the AAA Iron Pigs. Sure, we lost last night, but you can't win them all.

Vance Worley's starting in tonight's game against the Mariners which might make me one of the few that ever had the Kyle Kendrick ticket package at all. Who knows what'll happen to Kendrick now? Maybe he'll split starts with Worley or maybe he'll return to the 'pen as the Phillies' much needed longman. Say what you will about the man, but first let me say this. It's probably the first time these words have ever been put together in the English language.

I am thankful for Kyle Kendrick.

Back in Baby's Arms

Remember Chase "World Fucking Champions" Utley? Tonight, Chase makes his season debut after a long recovery from patellar tendinitis in his right knee. Maybe the Red Death is finally over. Bring on the hitting renaissance!

Chase will be batting second in the lineup against the Reds who, like half of the National League, have been outslugging the Phillies since April. Had Chase been out much longer, he could have been elected to play in the MLB All-Star Game without ever playing in a regular season game. This actually wouldn't have been that strange considering that a dead man was elected mayor of a Tennessee town last year and Frank Rizzo almost ran as a write-in candidate for mayor of Philadelphia last week.

Like most fans, I can't wait to hear the crack of Chase Utley's bat after Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" blasts through CBP's speakers again. However, this little diddy might be just as appropriate entrance music for Chutley's return:

He's back where he belongs, back in baby's arms.

Raul Ibanez, End of an Era

Raul Ibanez finally ended his epic 0-35 slump two nights ago. He went on to hit this solo home run to right field in last night's game against the Nats. Had the slump continued, Raul could have beat out Bill Bergen's record for the longest slump among non-pitching players in baseball history. Bergen went 0-46 with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1909. So yeah, it could have been worse, but not much worse. Raul ended up going 3-for-4 as the Phillies chugged Natty Lites and crushed the cans on their foreheads. Final score: 7-4.

Since the beginning of the Great Slump, a lot has happened. I, like many of you everyday people, filed my taxes and shortly after spent all of my returns on necessary beers and wings that helped with Flyers watchability. The southern United States experienced one of the worst tornadoes in US history, rendering many homeless and the Phillies Oswaltless. Phanatics witnessed the fall of Joe Blanton and the rise of Vance Worley. Oh yeah, and our country also found and killed Osama bin Laden! USA! USA! USA!

I'm just happy that the search for Raul's swing is finally over. Tonight let us rejoice in Rauuuul howls at the moon and hope that the man stays hungry and true to his at-bat music about British werewolves:


Raaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jayson Werthless

There was a time not too long ago when I was sitting with my brother in the bleacher seats at Yankee Stadium listening to chants of "Werthless" directed toward right field. My brother is a Yankee lover despite the fact that he has no problem matching the baseball cap of any AL or NL team to whatever color polo shirt he's wearing. I will never understand this phenomenon in bro fashion, but I have to admit that while morally questionable, his wall of caps is pretty impressive. His bedroom is just like Lids if Lids smelled like Axe and had a bed in the center of it. My brother wisely chose to go with one of his many Yankees caps that day while I donned my beat-up Phillies cap. I felt like Elaine Benes at Yankee Stadium, booed as much as Jayson Werth while returning to my seat with a birthday Bud Lite for my favorite Yankee bro.

While Phillies fans are infamous booers and will probably greet the new Natty beau (heh, see what I did there?) with louder rounds of boos than the Yankees did, they have their reasons. The Yankees fans that surrounded me that day were itching to boo anything that wasn't branded with a Yankee symbol. This included Jayson Werth, me, and could have included my Yankee brother had he chosen a different shirt/hat combo. The bleacher creatures of Yankee Stadium do not discriminate. Their chants of "Werthless" upset me, and not because I was a Phillies fan, but because they were unfocused and followed by chants of "you suck" at all things non-Yankee. That said, I don't think that Werth will be received kindly when Philadelphia takes over Nationals Park today, but at least there will be a method to the Phillies fan's madness.

I used to like Werth. I was sad to see him go. I almost cried when he talked about noticing the change in leaves for the first time after returning from 2010's loss to the Giants in the NLCS, and that whole "this is definitely not the same game I played in my grandparents' backyard as a kid" bit. Then the man chose money over baseball while his buddy Cliff did the opposite, and went on to pout for months about how he was on one of the worst teams in baseball. Werth was then caught swinging a bat while saying, "I hate the fucking Phillies." Of course the fans are going to turn. To quote Nadine's own father: "I have a bounty on Jayson Werth's head. 500 bucks to the first person to hit him with a battery."

Werth's obviously not over us either. In his first game with the Nationals, he chose "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses as his at-bat music:

Cause nothin' lasts forever and we both know hearts can change

It's hard not to read more into that. It's like watching John Cusack hold up a boombox outside a window in Say Anything. Werth's trying to tell us something. "November Rain" is an epic ballad about the misery of a former rock star reminiscing over a past relationship that ends in suicide—a newly married bride's gunshot to the head. In the music video, she kind of reminds you of newly married to the Nationals Werth, but then again, so does the down and out Axl Rose and the lost in the desert Slash wailing on guitar. After all, November was when the Phillies gave Werth an offer that he turned down to become a free agent. Either way, it will be interesting to see how this soap opera plays out. I know that Charlie's ready for Werth, as he was recently quoted saying, "I’ll be on him. I’ll be getting on him. I’ll be getting on J-Dub. I’ll be hollering at him."

As for me, I'm just happy that Ben Francisco's been doing such a great job in right field since we lost Werth, who truly wasn't worthless to the Phillies at all. He played great baseball here—hit home runs, dove for balls, had interesting facial hair. However, one area where Benny excels and is continuing to excel compared to Werth is hitting with runners in scoring position (RISP).

So the real question is, to boo or not to boo Werth in the April rain? It's hard to hate Werth all that much. Maybe Axl Rose is right: "everybody needs some time on their own."

The Adventures of Carlos and Carlos and Carlos

Dear Carlos Ruiz,

Congratulations, bro! We were wondering why you'd missed a couple of spring training games, and then we heard that your wife back in Panama just had a baby son. And that you named him Carlos, just like yourself. And, uh, your eight-year-old son.

This got us thinking one thing: you could really use some new entrance music. I mean, Phil Collins? Really? What's your strategy there? I can't imagine the former Genesis singer is particularly intimidating to the opposing team's pitcher. Or is it the "American Psycho" connection? You're right—Christian Bale is pretty terrifying. But even he went with the crowd-pleasing "Sussudio" instead. And as a catcher, we thought you'd understand the value of a catchy entrance song more than almost anyone.

Okay, okay, we get it, you just really love Phil. No disrespect. I'm quite fond of him myself after hearing Starlee Kine's piece on "This American Life." But we were thinking maybe you could use another song that will remind you of something you love, while making the crowd at CBP feel just a little less awkward. Something simple, poppy, and nostalgic, perhaps? Something that'll take you back to your family in Panama, to Big Carlos and Little Carlos... Hey wait, I've got an idea:


Come back soon, Chooch! No matter what song you choose to walk out to this year, we really, really miss you. And so does Roy Halladay, in this incredibly adorable video:


Lots of love and best of luck to Mama Chooch, Chooch Jr., Baby Chooch, and to our favorite Chooch of all!

Come home soon!

xoxo

Nadine and Lauren

Beat on the Brat with a Baseball Bat

HOLY CRAP. Phillies/Ramones t-shirts from Crucial Brutal just made my morning totally rad. One question though: where's the love for Fat Joe? There's space for his name on there, dudes. :(=

Speaking of the Ramones, aren't they the perfect soundtrack to America's pastime? They sound like summer days and bubblegum and Coney Island. As Arturo Vega, the NYC artist who designed the Ramones' iconic logo, put it: "I saw them as the ultimate all-American band. To me, they reflected the American character in general—an almost childish innocent aggression. I thought the Great Seal of the President of the United States would be perfect for the Ramones... but we decided to change it a little bit. Instead of the olive branch, we had an apple tree branch, since the Ramones were American as apple pie. And since Johnny was such a baseball fanatic, we had the eagle hold a baseball bat instead of the arrows."

If nobody's using this as their batting entrance music yet, well, somebody should.