Back in Baby's Arms

Remember Chase "World Fucking Champions" Utley? Tonight, Chase makes his season debut after a long recovery from patellar tendinitis in his right knee. Maybe the Red Death is finally over. Bring on the hitting renaissance!

Chase will be batting second in the lineup against the Reds who, like half of the National League, have been outslugging the Phillies since April. Had Chase been out much longer, he could have been elected to play in the MLB All-Star Game without ever playing in a regular season game. This actually wouldn't have been that strange considering that a dead man was elected mayor of a Tennessee town last year and Frank Rizzo almost ran as a write-in candidate for mayor of Philadelphia last week.

Like most fans, I can't wait to hear the crack of Chase Utley's bat after Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" blasts through CBP's speakers again. However, this little diddy might be just as appropriate entrance music for Chutley's return:

He's back where he belongs, back in baby's arms.

And Now for Something Completely Different

The Phillies got their bats back! No, it's just He-Man Charlie Manuel riding a Phanatic like a bat out of hell. The rapture's a-comin', Saturday, May 21 according to a creepy gang of buses that surrounded me on the Jersey Turnpike and the Phillies' four game losing streak, and it'd be nice to go out with my boys on top playing good ball. Isn't that what we all hope for at the end of the world?

Last night marked another "meh" performance for the Phils. While Oswalt pitched surprisingly well after struggling with his velocity down in Clearwater, the offense once again failed to deliver. A terrified Danys Baez once again provided the opposite of relief allowing three straight singles to load the bases for the Cardinals in the bottom of the ninth. I once again was perplexed by the recent demotion of the Great Vance Worley after Vance Worley pitched so darn great.

While you might be saying to yourself that the Phillies lost a few games and it's not the end of the world, just sit in your local park for an hour and some kook will remind you that this Saturday's Judgement Day. What else could also explain the fact the Phillies are dropping like flys? Age? Young buck Michael Stutes might be the most recent addition to our clown car of a disabled list.

Whether the end of the world is indeed this Saturday or another future date predicted by bad math, the Phillies need to start playing like they mean it with whoever they have left. Seriously. I don't want to spend my last days drinking Jersey Turnpikes while cursing my favorite team of ballplayers.

To delay being reduced to such, you can check out more awesome Phillies-inspired comics like He-Man Charlie here!

Raul Ibanez, End of an Era

Raul Ibanez finally ended his epic 0-35 slump two nights ago. He went on to hit this solo home run to right field in last night's game against the Nats. Had the slump continued, Raul could have beat out Bill Bergen's record for the longest slump among non-pitching players in baseball history. Bergen went 0-46 with the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1909. So yeah, it could have been worse, but not much worse. Raul ended up going 3-for-4 as the Phillies chugged Natty Lites and crushed the cans on their foreheads. Final score: 7-4.

Since the beginning of the Great Slump, a lot has happened. I, like many of you everyday people, filed my taxes and shortly after spent all of my returns on necessary beers and wings that helped with Flyers watchability. The southern United States experienced one of the worst tornadoes in US history, rendering many homeless and the Phillies Oswaltless. Phanatics witnessed the fall of Joe Blanton and the rise of Vance Worley. Oh yeah, and our country also found and killed Osama bin Laden! USA! USA! USA!

I'm just happy that the search for Raul's swing is finally over. Tonight let us rejoice in Rauuuul howls at the moon and hope that the man stays hungry and true to his at-bat music about British werewolves:


Raaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!