Let the Grapefruit games begin!

Wondering what those Phillies have been up to? This morning I paid a visit to some old friends that I hadn't seen in a while, the parts of the internet that still care about the well-being of this city's baseball team - you know, because they're paid to. Between headlines that were all like "Chase is totally fine! Don't even worry about it!" was one that read "Amaro's nephew helps University of Tampa beat Phillies". That's right. A team of fresh-faced college boys led by a young Amaro from Bensalem beat the 2015 Phillies. 

My thoughts raced as I clicked from sad news story to sad news story. How is the Amaro bloodline responsible for exhibition losses that even today's Phillies, predicted to be the worst in baseball, are supposed to win? Hold up, Baseball Prospectus. Even worse than the stinkin' Astros? I read that some dude that calls himself Mattress Mack lost 4-million furniture store bucks in a bet last year when the Astros won a rare "more than 63 games".

Is this what we've become? I bet if J-Roll was still here with his crystal ball and cool ego, he'd be all like, "We'll win 80 games. Well, maybe 75." Wait, what's that, ESPN? After spending years, antagonizing New York Mets fans with his swagger, Jimmy was recently caught saying that a future with the Muts would be "pretty bright". Well, he always did look good in shades.

Back to the Phillies. Things start in the Grapefruit League today against the Yankees. In reality, spring training doesn't matter too much. The Phillies are probably delaying what baseball statisticians and fans alike see as the inevitable. I'm just happy that baseball is being played, and as people say, anything can happen. A chain-smoking Tony Danza once brought the Anaheim Angels a pennant title, and the University of Tampa beat a major-league ball club just two days ago.

The future of the Phillies may not be as bright as J-Roll's, but I'm doing my best to get through my baseball seasonal affective disorder through some good old-fashioned writing about my feelings. I implore you all to do the same to get through this winter of bleak predictions. Until then, I apologize for not having posted since Cliff Lee's arm thawed out last year and leave you with an Instagram photo I took at the ballpark this summer, appropriately hashtagged #philliesneorealism:

Now, let's root, root, root for the Phillies and that Mattress Mack makes a bet against our future sometime soon. 

Jimmy Mack, Are You Coming Back?

Holiday shopping's in premature full swing again this year, and every mom out there's setting up camp for an All-Star shortstop. It makes you wonder. Who will be getting a 32-year-old Jimmy Rollins come winter? The Giants? The Cards? The Brewers? Can you picture J-Roll going into "beast mode"? Me neither. What about the Phillies? Unless Uncle Ruben takes a second job wrapping gifts this holiday season, chances are that Jimmy's not going to get that five-year contract he has his heart set on. If only regifting Ryan Howard was a viable option! After all, National Regifting Day is just 23 short days away.

What will Ruben Amaro do? The man's full of surprises. I didn't expect Cliff Lee to return to Philadelphia within a year of leaving or for Hunter Pence to be chilling on a dirt road anywhere outside of Texas right now. I also didn't expect Madson to be traded for a slightly more expensive Irish step dancer that refers to himself as Cinco Ocho. Okay, okay. Maybe I'm just drinking the Haterade which, thankfully, is what Papelbon's alter ego "fuels his engines with", or maybe I just hate change. Heck! I don't know what I want. The only thing that's really certain is how it's hard to picture Jimmy Rollins playing short anywhere else, and almost impossible to imagine who would replace him.

Hitters Gonna Hit

The Phillies had a season-high 18 hits to score a season-high 14 runs against Chris Volstad and the Marlins last night. This is only the second time this season the Phillies have scored more than 10 runs in a game. The other time was an 11-0 win against the Mets on April 7th. What made last night's win so beautiful were all those old time Phillies coming through with the bats. J-Roll had four hits and three runs scored. Ryan Howard had four hits including a two run homer in the third. He finished with four RBIs and three runs scored. Seems like old times—am I right? Now is where I finally insert the song "Phillies Fever" by all the Phillies greats from the '70s in high hopes that it will help the Phillies bats stay alive (ah, ha, ha, ha):

Even Michael Martinez came through late in the game with a 3-RBI base-clearing triple. After the game Uncle Cholly said, "We jumped our team batting average some, didn't we? Did we get over .250?" After some basic research, I found that we sure as hell did: the Phillies batted .409 last night. Boom!

A Prescription for Your SAD

Severe lack of vitamin D, mornings spent trudging through wintry mix, and the long wait until pitchers and catchers report getting you down? Don't worry—we're here with a prescription for your SAD, miserable Wednesday. It's the video for MC Hammer's "Addams Family Groove," featuring none other than a 13 year-old Jimmy Rollins!

If you can make it through the rest of the video, J-Roll appears somewhere around the 3:30 mark. He's in a graveyard, but "there's no dancing involved" because, in Jimmy's words, "you don't want to dance next to Hammer."

While we're on the subject, maybe it will cheer you up to check out Penn drop-out and Addams Family-creator Charles Addams' badass Wikipedia photo. Enjoy!