All-Stars, They're Just Like Us!

The Phillies, 53-31 at press time and still the best team in baseball, are sending (at least) four players to this year's MLB All-Star game.

Thanks to an insane spring (which, unfortunately, seemed to end as soon as June began) and a shallow pool of competition, Placido Polanco won the fan vote and will start at third base. And, for the first time, the Phillies will send three—count 'em—three starting pitchers to the All-Star game: Halladay, Hamels, and Lee. The last time they came close was when Curt Schilling and Paul Byrd each made the team in 1999. Who do you think should get the start for the NL this year?

What I would really like to see, however, is a spot on the team for Carlos Ruiz. Our Aces wouldn't be what they are without Chooch calling games and providing rock solid defense behind the plate. It would be nice to see that acknowledged on the big stage of the Midsummer Classic.

Finally, Shane Victorino has a chance to win the Final Vote and be a National League All-Star for the second time in his career. He needs our support—click here to vote now. The Flyin' Hawaiian has been carrying this offense lately; he deserves it. Just gonna need to see his birth certificate first. (Kidding!)

The Phillies are Givin' Me Agita!

I don't know about the rest of you jabronis, but the Phillies have been givin' me agita! Apologies for the Italian-American slang, but I'm friggin' angry! (Fun fact: I actually grew up in the same place as the guy who made "agita" a thing. Here he is singing about it in the trailer for Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose.) After mercying some team called "Battitude Adjustment" last night, I rushed home from my softball game in Fairmount expecting to turn on the radio and hear my boys doing the same. Instead, the Padres had scored, the Phillies had not, and Polanco had two of the Phillies three hits. One beer later, the Phillies lost 4-0 with only three hits on the board.

I'm trying really hard right now not to make a joke about how the Phillies need a "battitude adjustment", but maybe that's exactly what they need. As good as our record is- 15-7, friggin' best in baseball, the "Fightins" haven't scored more than four runs in the last 14 games. Stone throwers like to blame Raul "Werewolves of London" Ibanez for not putting any English on it, but let's be honest. It's pretty much everyone. Even that lovable Chooch! I say bring back the "woo hoo" guy. We need somebody to hit, and everybody hitting? That would be awesome.

Or maybe Uncle Cholly should give John Mayberry Jr. another start in right field (see cleverly chosen photo) or at least some more at-bats. Pete Orr too! Both have batting averages higher than the starting lineup outside of Polanco. But, hey, what do I know? The only time I spend on a field is on Monday nights playing teams like "Battitude Adjustment" and some other team of old dudes that ate pizza on the sidelines and also fell victim to the mercy rule. That might not be much, but we're in first place too, and that's a first place based on bats. Go Flyers!

On New Pitches and Mental Conspiracies

We've told you before about Roy Oswalt's superpowers, but did you know that Roy O is also an inventor? Desperate to get out of a 14-pitch at-bat (including 9 fouled-off pitches) last night to Juan Uribe, Oswalt invented a new pitch, changing the grip on his slider to confound Uribe and finally strike him out. Ultimately, Oswalt combined with David Herndon, Antonio Bastardo, and Jose Contreras to shut out the Padres and bring the Phillies' record to 12-6. You can read more about the Uribe at-bat here.

It's great to know we have secret super-geniuses, robots, and the coolest man on the planet pitching for us, but it would be really great if our offense would step it up and let these dudes get a second to chill out on the mound once in a while. Like, maybe by not stranding a runner in scoring position every now and again? That said, I was happy to see solo homers from Ben Francisco and Brian Schneider, as well as Plácido Polanco continuing to make his case for most-underratedly-awesome Phillie and one of my all-time favorite baseball names. Let's hope we see more of that going forward. And maybe next time, like, one of those home runs could come while somebody's on base? Please?

Speaking of Brian Schneider, do you think if I followed him home after the game, he'd lead me to a pot of gold? Looks like a leprechaun to me! Who else sees the leprechaun? Say yeah!!!!!

It's like we've been trying to tell you: these 2011 Phillies just aren't human. MENTAL CONSPIRACY! BLAH BLAH!

The Red Death

Patella tendinitis. Biceps tendinitis. Fractured hamate bones. Overextended elbows. Oh, how the mighty are falling.

Chase Utley's sidelined "indefinitely", Lights Out Lidge's arm went out, and Placido Polanco hurt his elbow swinging a bat in yesterday's win against the Toronto Blue Jays. This is looking all too familiar to the injury plague of 2010. Now that the oldest team in baseball has tacked on another year, it's just a matter of time before more hips and backs are thrown out. Even young and once hopeful prospect Domonic Brown hurt his wrist in his first spring training hit against the Pittsburgh Pirates, a team that makes money off of losing. The season hasn't even started yet, and the Red Death seems inevitable.

At least Life Alert, the "I've fallen and I can't get up!" company, might have found itself a valuable new market in the 2011 Phillies:

All Philadelphia Phillies should have Life Alert.

On second thought, maybe there needs to be a system in place that contacts Phillies fans every time a player gets injured - you know, to keep us all grounded.