The Phillies have finished April second to last in the NL East after going splitsies with the always terrible Chicago Cubs. They are under .500 for the first time since 2007. The losses that comprise their 11-12 record have been described as "morning-after-St.-Patrick's-Day ugly" and have inspired such existential work as "The Phillies' Mediocrity Unique in Readjusted Reality." It's been hard to watch, and even harder to watch without the TV on mute. I don't know how many times I've yelled at Wheels through the TV to, "Just drop it already!" Seriously! What a Negative Nance!
If the lyrics of "High Hopes" have taught me anything, it's that ants, in fact, can move rubber tree plants as long as they're upbeat ants. Sure, it's been an ugly April, but it all hasn't been ugly. Has it? Let's talk positives.
Here's a list of a few things outside of the usual aces that have kept me afloat as a Phillies fan in the Great Depression:
Joe Blanton: It's not just that I can imagine him literally floating in a doughnut tube that's strawberry frosted with sprinkles, Blanton's looked good lately. In his last game against the Cubs, he struck out eight, walked none, and instilled confidence in many. Let's hope that the Happy Joe Blanton emoticon comes out more often than not this year and that Joe gets the second home run of his career sometime soon. :)=
Juan Pierre: It's taken me a while to come around to Juan Pierre, but it's hard to argue against a player that's consistently getting on base when the Phillies need base runners. Sure, they're consistently singles, but they're something. Plus, based on how many times Dolis threw back to first and didn't get Pierre last night, I think he's becoming a little smarter on the base path.
Wigginton-Nix: Okay, so these dudes look like they could show up, beer can in hand, ready to hit it into the next field for your neighborhood bar's softball team. While it's still too early in the season to say whether or not they'll prove more successful than "Buckingham Nicks" as an album or romantic relationship, they have been two of the most productive offensive players on the Phillies to date. You read that right.
Jonathan Papelbon: Like him or hate his alter ego, Papelbon is now tied for the most saves in the National League with Craig Kimbrel of the Braves at eight. While I can't help but cringe every time T-Mac refers to Paps as "Cinco Ocho", I am constantly wowed by the man. This has led to the development of two alternative things to chant after Paps closes a game out: "Papelbon! Papelbon! Papelbon!" inspired by Seinfeld's Izzy Mandelbaum, and "Fuck that shit! Paps Blue Ribbon!" inspired by this scene from Blue Velvet and the fact that it's just damn fun to shout. Try it after number nine!
Freddy Galvis: While he's been great in the field so far, he's struggled with his at bats, mainly because he's young, new to the majors, and still likes swinging at the high ones. Still, if there's any reason to watch the Phillies right now, it's for Freddy Galvis. He's likeable and you want him to succeed. This attitude is best summed up here in which rooting for Galvis is compared to rooting for Squints at the swimming pool. "You put logic aside and yell like hell, even if you think he is out of his league."
Dollar dogs: They still exist! Phew!
Franzke and LA: If T-Mac and Wheels get you more down than the Phillies' lack of hits, just turn on the radio. 1210 on the AM dial's just a few seconds off the TV broadcast. Don't believe it's worth it? Check out this gem!
The Flyers: If the Phillies have got you so down you can't even find solace in listening to LA and Franzke, take a break from the Phillies. Watch some hockey. The last series between the Flyers and Penguins was described as "Yankees-Red Sox, on Ice" and proved to be way more exciting.
Chooch: Chooch just being Chooch always makes it all okay. He's come through big time when the Phillies have needed him most both at and behind the plate. Outside of his two RBIs last night, he had a three RBI, one homer performance on Saturday. Score one for the regulars! Plus, look at how adorable he looks in this suit.
While it doesn't feel like any of the Phillies' awkward parts currently make sense together, I still have high hopes that Cholly-San will figure out a lineup that works. Plus, it has to only be up from here for the Phillies' more likely heroes- J-Roll, Polly, Pence, and even that Flyin' Hawaiin.
If the lyrics of "High Hopes" have taught me anything, it's that ants, in fact, can move rubber tree plants as long as they're upbeat ants. Sure, it's been an ugly April, but it all hasn't been ugly. Has it? Let's talk positives.
Here's a list of a few things outside of the usual aces that have kept me afloat as a Phillies fan in the Great Depression:
Joe Blanton: It's not just that I can imagine him literally floating in a doughnut tube that's strawberry frosted with sprinkles, Blanton's looked good lately. In his last game against the Cubs, he struck out eight, walked none, and instilled confidence in many. Let's hope that the Happy Joe Blanton emoticon comes out more often than not this year and that Joe gets the second home run of his career sometime soon. :)=
Juan Pierre: It's taken me a while to come around to Juan Pierre, but it's hard to argue against a player that's consistently getting on base when the Phillies need base runners. Sure, they're consistently singles, but they're something. Plus, based on how many times Dolis threw back to first and didn't get Pierre last night, I think he's becoming a little smarter on the base path.
Jonathan Papelbon: Like him or hate his alter ego, Papelbon is now tied for the most saves in the National League with Craig Kimbrel of the Braves at eight. While I can't help but cringe every time T-Mac refers to Paps as "Cinco Ocho", I am constantly wowed by the man. This has led to the development of two alternative things to chant after Paps closes a game out: "Papelbon! Papelbon! Papelbon!" inspired by Seinfeld's Izzy Mandelbaum, and "Fuck that shit! Paps Blue Ribbon!" inspired by this scene from Blue Velvet and the fact that it's just damn fun to shout. Try it after number nine!
Freddy Galvis: While he's been great in the field so far, he's struggled with his at bats, mainly because he's young, new to the majors, and still likes swinging at the high ones. Still, if there's any reason to watch the Phillies right now, it's for Freddy Galvis. He's likeable and you want him to succeed. This attitude is best summed up here in which rooting for Galvis is compared to rooting for Squints at the swimming pool. "You put logic aside and yell like hell, even if you think he is out of his league."
Dollar dogs: They still exist! Phew!
Franzke and LA: If T-Mac and Wheels get you more down than the Phillies' lack of hits, just turn on the radio. 1210 on the AM dial's just a few seconds off the TV broadcast. Don't believe it's worth it? Check out this gem!
The Flyers: If the Phillies have got you so down you can't even find solace in listening to LA and Franzke, take a break from the Phillies. Watch some hockey. The last series between the Flyers and Penguins was described as "Yankees-Red Sox, on Ice" and proved to be way more exciting.
Chooch: Chooch just being Chooch always makes it all okay. He's come through big time when the Phillies have needed him most both at and behind the plate. Outside of his two RBIs last night, he had a three RBI, one homer performance on Saturday. Score one for the regulars! Plus, look at how adorable he looks in this suit.
While it doesn't feel like any of the Phillies' awkward parts currently make sense together, I still have high hopes that Cholly-San will figure out a lineup that works. Plus, it has to only be up from here for the Phillies' more likely heroes- J-Roll, Polly, Pence, and even that Flyin' Hawaiin.
It's best not to take it all too seriously. Who would have predicted that the 2008 team would have brought Philadelphia its second World Series? What about the inversely proportional relationship between the Phillies' regular season performance and how far they made it in the playoffs since then? Who knows what's going to happen next? It's too early to tune out.
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